In the month that BBC Three went online only, it's a bleak time for channels a bit further up the EPG whose names you're a little hazy on. Is it a two? A three? A plus one? A plus two? A Star or a Seven? Was it called something like a bloke's name?
Yet these channels are meccas for shows that kill that hour between soaps and "proper TV on Sky Atlantic". On sick days they're as essential a standby as hot water bottles and salt and vinegar Hula Hoops. Be warned, though, they're the Haribo Tangfastics of the TV world: you are going to gorge until you feel funny. Here's some inspiration...
1. MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA (W)
Masterchef Australia is like an Antipodean eight-course experimental tasting menu versus Masterchef UK's decent pub lunch. No-one really knows the rules, it appears to go on forever, it's at times a little bit odd and you crave more, even when you know you shouldn't.
Special mention goes to the way the contestants describe what they did in the kitchen in the present tense and as though it were a mission involving James Bond. And also - MASSIVE AUSTRALIAN CLICHE ALERT - the stuff they do with seafood and Asian flavours. Oh yes.
2. DANCE MOMS (LIFETIME/STAR)
What to Read Next
This show, centred around the Abby Lee Dance Company Studios in the US, is the TV you get if you cross Real Housewives with Strictly Come Dancing. Which means you will come across:
- A lot of bitching
- A lot of dancing
And if that doesn't sell it, we question your reality TV tastes and suggest you relocate to something serious on the Discovery Channel. We'll be over here though, watching Maddie's mum kick off about the verdict on today's tap performance.
3. EARLY 2000s EPISODES OF DINNER DATE (ITVBE)
Yes, yes, we all know about Dinner Date, which is a bit like First Dates but with about 98% less romantic success and an inferior quality of steak, and like Come Dine With Me but with fewer people to counteract the extreme, painful awkwardness. But get the repeats on ITVBe at 6pm and you'll be treated to retro dating, which is so much more entertaining.
If you've had a particularly dull day, liven it up with a game of "Guess The Year" using clues such as jeans shape, similarity of hairdo to Rachel from Friends and proclivity towards spaghetti straps.
4. TAKE ME OUT: THE GOSSIP (ITV2, or if you've been to the pub, ITV2 +1)
It makes no sense that the spin-off show of a prime-time behemoth, and a spin-off show on which the presenter is Mark Wright would be so spectacular and yet, it is.
It would be ideal to give some complex reasons why this may be, but in truth it's because on the main ITV show they're not drunk and on The Gossip they are absolutely hammered, with sunstroke, and it's generally 3am on a dubious dancefloor. And as anyone who has ever ordered a Screaming Orgasm aged 19 knows (if you could remember what had happened) that makes cracking TV.
5. ROSS KEMP ON… VARIOUS THINGS (SKY 2)
Whether he is interviewing a pirate, stalking round the refugee camps in Calais or speaking to a terrifying gang member who's threatening to cut off somebody's head and shove it down their throat (no-one slept after that episode, no-one), Ross Kemp is incongruously brilliant as a soap star turned intrepid documentary-maker.
If you're ever short of something to watch and you see Kemp's name, then we urge you to give in to temptation. We incorporate classic EastEnders episodes on W in that suggestion too.
6. LOVE ISLAND (ITV2)
It is a feat achieved by few shows to be simultaneously awful and amazing, but Love Island does it with such success the National TV Awards should really consider giving it some sort of prize.
Returning after ten years, if you stumbled upon the first few episodes last year you might have stumbled immediately back to a period drama on BBC One. And yet… if you had stuck with it, you would have become an addict, genuinely touched when The Jonathan proposed marriage to Hannah after they'd known each other for about ten minutes and believing that having sex on TV after a load of cocktails in a room full of people COULD honestly lead to true romance.
It's back this summer and we strongly advise you embrace it. But before you do, have at least two gins and make sure your nan's not coming round.
7. PARTY DOWN SOUTH (4MUSIC)
Jersey Shore might have pioneered the "Get a group of strangers in a house and ply them with alcohol" format, but it's got nothing on its cousin from the country, Party Down South. The show dumps a bunch of country guys and girls into a house, pays lip service to them earning money in some kind of job, and watches as they take part in country pursuits like riding dirt bikes, having cookouts and funnelling 80 beers in one go.
Characters like Ryan Daddy (catchphrase: "Get it GOING!"), Mattie, Lil Bit and Murray ("I'm 300lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal") might seem completely baffling at first, but a few drunken meltdowns and ill-advised sexual encounters later and they'll win your heart.
