By "Looking 50 is great - if you're 60."
Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81 on Thursday (September 4), following a comedy career lasting over five decades and attracting fans all over the world.
The comedian was celebrated for her combination of self-deprecating humour and downright harsh putdowns. Digital Spy have collected just some such memorable quotes from over the years from one of the world's finest comics.
Life
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
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"When I was born, my mother asked the doctor: 'Will she live?' He said, 'Only if you take your foot off her throat'."
"Grandchildren can be so f**king annoying. How many times can you go, 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel."
"It's so EASY being a Catholic. All you have to do is get f***ed by a priest, and they give you a set of candlesticks."
Body image
"I hate thin people: 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'"
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
"I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My make-up team is nominated for 'Best Special Effects'."
"Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card."
"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."
Sex
"It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt."
"All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
"I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynecologist examines me by telephone."
"The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery."
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
"My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there but they don't want to visit."
Love
"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
"Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it."
"Half of all marriages end in divorce - and then there are the really unhappy ones."
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again."
Age
"You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift-wrapped it."
"A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again."
"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."
"I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs'. He said, "Blue goes with everything."
"I must admit I'm nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."
Putdowns
"Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her."
"At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."
"Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer."
"As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew'."
"All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window."
"Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."
"If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk."
