Dek Hogan

"Sharon rambling like that embarrassing aging aunt that you fear you may have to put into a home"

"I'm sure some of you are only watching it in the hope that Amanda Holden gets eaten by a lion"

"Perhaps it's time for a Coronation Street coach crash to get rid of some deadwood."

"He keeps popping up all over the schedules like a hard-to-shift skin disease."

"Go on admit it, you’re only watching to see Aggie fall flat on her mush"

"Hannah isn't walking about in her skimpies anymore. That's got to be a couple of million viewers lost."

"the fame that has been instantly thrust upon this lad may well sit easily on his shoulders"

"it was quickly becoming apparent that someone at the BBC just wanted her to get wet"

"The Chuckle Brothers should watch out because they've definitely got competition."

"Lloyd's gambling debts or Sinbad's childcare issues haven't had me breaking the speed limit to get home."

I couldn't stand another hour of daylight.

"Janice's screeching of the mantra "Oh man!" is so annoying I'm thinking about installing it as my car alarm."

"Hordes of kiddies, failing microphones, and clod hopping production assistants... classic live telly."

"Lesley Anne Down doesn’t look particularly decrepit but her face doesn’t look particularly mobile either."

"Jack was circling Ronnie the way that Heather circles a doughnut."

"He’s not a true Sugden, so not susceptible to the Invasion of the Body Snatchers."

"We definitely had him pegged for Early Doors and Shameless and possibly even Heartbeat."

"They really should have cast an actress with less prominent breasts."

"Despite Billie spending much time in skimpy underwear the show completely fails to be erotic."

"I still miss Ian's dad Pete Beale. Billy's not worthy of the fruit and veg stall."

"The bedside manner of an undertaker and the people skills of a traffic warden."

"If they'd given him a kitchen full of chimpanzees, he'd still manage to get a decent meal out."

"When you can see them heading towards potential disaster, you really feel for them."

"Believable storylines this week were about as rare as rocking horse droppings."

"Obsessing over a jar of piccalilli is what we'd expect of a sub plot, not a main driver of the narrative."

"Rustie attempting to turn a banana into a caterpillar was a low point in the history of light entertainment."

"Same Difference are hard to describe but imagine H & Claire had come from Stepford"

"Everything was on display. It put me right off me sausage and chips."

"a pretty poor reworking of Aisleyne's Yard from last year"

"The hospital's much needed if highly unbelievable bad boy riding off into the sunset"

"There's something just a tad Norman Bates about the way Jonty relates to his inanimate playmates."

"It seemed that some of them were actually enjoying the tragedy, wallowing in it even."

"We find an educated man dull but derive entertainment from watching Charley trying to remember the words to 'Umbrella."

"Much of the tension in the house stems from the battle of their egos"

"Some of the people badly reciting lyrics over on ITV1 are better singers than this bunch of desperate hoofers"

"Carole espoused so many theories that she was bound to come up with the right scenario eventually"

"It just seems so dark that I’m not sure I’ve got the stomach to stay with it"

"I ponder the carbon footprint I’ve created merely by watching the event"

"It’s a sad indictment if so many people can be impressed by basic numeracy."

"It seems evident that Chanelle has developed genuine and deep feelings for this plank."

"So-called stars of tennis have all the charisma of a piece of cold toast."

"grislier scenes were taking place as Patrick and Peggy cast amorous gazes at each other"

"Even Pat Sharp can command more respect than he can."

"Where’s Gene Hunt when you really need him?"

"seeming like she’s enjoying it while pointing out every pitfall"

"Waterproof mascara robbed of the sort of panda eyes blubbering we used to get ."

"In previous series, the incident would probably have been airbrushed from history."

"I’m not sure what the Japanese for empty television show is but it would surely apply "

"The donkey was called Zazoom. If anyone pulls Shabnam’s tail, I’d recommend the rest stand well back."

"Many people felt far more empowered by their complaints to Ofcom than by texting to evict..."

"Given her a uniform a couple of sizes too big to make her look even smaller."

"Best reactions came from the wonderfully expressive Lloyd Webber who looked positively terrified."

"the sort of telly I feel I should be watching in me jim-jams with a mug of a Ovaltine"

"we’d identified Tallulah as the most likely candidate for the Star Trek red jersey"

"The subject looked about as phased by the experience as Dylan from The Magic Roundabout."

"He looked for all the world like someone who had strayed in from a day care centre"

"Just plain evil drug dealing types who’d sell their own granny for a can of Special Brew "

"it couldn’t have been more obvious if he’d had a neon sign with “I’m the bad guy” hanging over his bonce"

"A cast of celebs so annoying that the most likeable by some way was Danny Baker"

"Every time I looked at Jim’s crumpled face, it just reminded me that I should be doing the ironing."

You don’t get people using the pasta to snort drugs on Jamie’s School Dinners do you?

"Those pesky producers throw in another curveball, not that I’m complaining"

"I was actually hoping that one of them would be eaten by that giant centipede thingy"

"What sort of person is voting to keep the clod-hopping newsreader on the ice"