Call the shots

So there's to be no Celebrity Big Brother this year. What's more, the replacement show is to be shown on E4 only.

But here I am on the first Thursday of the year tuned to Channel 4 where guess what, there's a Big Brother show on with a great big celebrity in it. True, they are making big things about the rest of it only being available on C4 Lite, as we like to call it, but is that such a big deal? Almost everyone that is targeted by this show should have access to digital channels by now so it's no big deal.

The actual big difference this time is that Davina is nowhere in sight. It may be no bad thing but at the moment I feel a bit like I did when Brucie went missing from The Generation Game. It doesn't feel quite right somehow. A bit like wearing your shoes on the wrong feet.

Matt Lucas seems falsely enthusiastic as things kick off. He's asked by Dermot what he's got planned and he starts waffling on as only he can about letting fifty dogs loose in the house. No one does a gag about Kinga. Or Charley. Or that Welsh piece with the big hooter from series four. Oh well.

Tweak in the format or not though, this is still Big Brother and the most important thing isn't whether comedians who wouldn't lower themselves to be actual housemates will do a good job playing God. No, it will still be the inmates themselves that make or break the show.

My thoughts as they entered the house:

John

Oooh, a politician. Is it ever a good idea to mix politics and reality? Fair play I quite fancied Julia Goldsworthy when she was in The Games, but Big Brother? Did John never see the series with Galloway?

The guy enters wearing a kilt and breathing so heavily that I wonder if they've got the defibrillator on standby.

As Lucas begins his reign of terror, I find I'm already missing the anonymity of Big Brother. I'm already getting the feeling that John has been cast as a figure of fun and within minutes he is wearing a Tam O'Shanter and looking more like C U Jimmy from The Russ Abbot Show. How many weeks does this go on for?

Poor John is lumbered with a secret task immediately. I'd feel bad for him but I keep remembering that he's a politician. Probably deserves it.

Calista

"I dated my piano for about three years."

A singer songwriter with lyrics like "I love to play my bongos in the morning." And here was me expecting sixth form poetry. I'm not sure whether I'm under or overwhelmed. She wants to be fat and lazy. I'm sure it'll happen for her.

Poor John is made to look a total plonker by George Dawes. Dermot's laughing. All the way to the bank probably.

Anthony

Next we meet a young boxer and in a departure from recent Big Brother expectations he doesn't come across as a loony in his introductory video. I instantly get the impression that the fame that has been instantly thrust upon this lad may well sit easily on his shoulders. He seemed to enjoy his entrance.

Emilia and Victor

You can't have a three ring circus without the acrobats can you? This pair look like they'd be at home on Britain's Got Talent or maybe one of those freak of the week type shows.

A brother and sister combination should provide a decent extra dynamic to the thing. They apparently come from the West Midlands, so maybe I should get behind them, but those are the strangest Brummie accents I've ever heard.

Jeremy

An irritating petrolhead called Jeremy. That sounds vaguely familiar. He sometimes comes across as arrogant, apparently. Really? That's a shock.

The great thing about racing drivers is that the noise of their engines normally drowns out the sound of their voices. I think I've found my whipping boy.

Amy

A conceptual installation artist.

I don't know much about art but I know nutters when I see them. We used to institutionalise them, now we give them awards.

I actually find myself understanding the whole cleaning thing. I think I'm getting far too arty farty, time for a trip to the pub and a game of dominoes to bring myself back down to earth.

Nathan

You have to have a housemate who is there to promote his music career and this bloke is that rarity in a reality show, an act that actually seems worth promoting.

By now, John being forced to play the puppet was really grating. I can't help thinking the celebrity hijackers are going to have more fun than we are.

Liam

Surely this geek joined the wrong reality queue? The correct place to ridicule him would have been The Apprentice. As he blew his own trumpet on his intro vid, memories of Trey came flooding back.

Latoya

I've taken an instant shine to this one. You've got to have a dancer and one that seems to be forging their way in what can be a tough profession. You've got to have a laugh and Latoya came across as the sort of person we'll be laughing with, rather than at.

Jay

A nineteen year old fashion designer on his third collection. Does he actually need this show? Do any of them?

Seriously, although it's massively early days this lot seem intelligent, articulate and an absolute credit to the nation. Why on earth have they got involved in this madhouse? Where's the archetypal Big Brother air head? Hang on....

Jade

The very name Jade probably sent C4 execs scrabbling for their worry beads but the former Miss Essex with the big IQ could be set to make a big splash. Some of the most intelligent people I've ever met could polish off a cryptic crossword but lack common sense.

The Verdict

It's different, that's for sure. Is it any good though? I actually think it might be - and I wasn't expecting to say that.