The crime drama is, arguably, the most popular genre of television series in the world, with hundreds, maybe thousands, of examples on the air.
But it's always been a tad concerning just how few of these crime shows are populated by actual, qualified police detectives. For every genuine copper, there's a quirky dentist or an adventurous babysitter who just thought they'd try out some amateur sleuthing.
In the real world, If you want a job done right, we'd suggest calling the professionals, and avoiding this lot. (The Professionals, it should be noted, were qualified law enforcers.)
9. Crime Scene Investigators
As seen in… the CSI franchise
We know what you're thinking. "Crime scene investigator"? Sounds pretty... well, detective-y.
And while actual forensic scientists certainly might travel to a scene of a crime to collect evidence and later analyse what they've gathered in a lab, they do not carry guns, conduct raids or arrest and interrogate suspects.
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And in most instances the actual detectives never even set foot in a forensics lab. BS-I, more like.
8. Pathologists
As seen in... Quincy, Silent Witness
In the real world, Dr Quincy or Nikki from Silent Witness would be required to perform a post-mortem, determine cause of death, and possibly confirm the identity of the corpse.
And that's it. No rampant pursuit of justice or confronting the killer. In one episode of Silent Witness, from series 20, her colleague Jack even yells at Nikki: "This has got nothing to do with us! It's not your job!"
The show's never dared be that self-aware before or since.
At least Dr Brennan in Bones has FBI Special Agent Seeley to justify her gallivanting around the criminal justice system.
7. Crime novelists
As seen in... Murder, She Wrote; Castle
According to Castle, being a novelist who specialises in whodunnits and crime thrillers gives Nathan Fillion an insight into the criminal mind equal to, and in some cases superior to, that of a trained detective or police psychologist.
It's a sketchy premise, hence the abiding fan theory around the similarly-themed Murder, She Wrote: that Angela Lansbury's mystery writer Jessica Fletcher was actually a serial killer, using her "amateur sleuth" side-business to frame innocents and mask her murderous ways. It's no less plausible than her actually solving all those crimes without being locked up for impeding a police investigation.
6. Men of the cloth
As seen in... Father Brown, Grantchester, Father Dowling Mysteries, Cadfael
Things being a priest / monk qualifies you to do: take confession, give sermons, perform funerals, baptise babies, officiate at weddings.
Things it does not qualify you to do: bring criminals to justice.
Nonetheless, TV writers are in the habit (geddit?) of casting men of the cloth as unconventional crime-solvers. There's a mass of them.
Okay we'll stop now.
5. Fake psychics
As seen in... Psych, The Mentalist
Because when the police's years of training and experience fail them, their only option is to turn to a charismatic outsider who once used their powers of observation to pose as a psychic, but now uses these same abilities to solve crimes.
Ridiculous, right? But it served as the premiere for two different crime shows, which aired at the same time. Now that's spooky!
4. Magicians
As seen in... Jonathan Creek
There's little about the secrets of stage magic that would aid a police detective in investigating a run-of-the-mill murder.
Happily, then, all of the killings in Jonathan Creek involve some form of visual trickery, sleight of hand or some other wild feat. (Plus unusual architecture and gothic trappings – it's their "thing")
See also '70s series The Magician, which starred The Incredible Hulk's Bill Bixby as a talented illusionist / playboy philanthropist. Just the sort of chap you'd want poking his nose into a personal tragedy.
3. Professional gardeners
As seen in... Rosemary & Thyme
Nominative determinism demanded that Laura Thyme and Rosemary Boxer would grow up to become, respectively, a professional gardener and a horticulturist.
But a career in crime-solving? Thyme, at least, was a retired WPC, if not a detective, but Rosemary's doctorate in plant pathology is no kind of grounding for a life of murder-solving.
2. Rich people
As seen in… Hart to Hart
Yes, in beloved '80s mystery series Hart to Hart, Robert Wagner's Jonathan Hart is a self-made millionaire and CEO of a major conglomerate. His wife Jennifer (Stefanie Powers) is a freelance journalist and together they live a jet-set lifestyle. ("When they met, it was MOIDER…")
They do take the odd break from all the glamour and opulence, he applying his business acumen and she her investigative skills to investigate murders, theft and international espionage.
Yeah... nice of them to take an interest in the little people an' all, but we'd rather have the actual police on our side.
1. A dog
As seen in… Scooby-Doo
Scooby-Doo isn't even a trained police dog. And as for those scruffy youths he hangs around with? Rank amateurs.
If you've been robbed by an alleged "poltergeist", we suggest you turn to the police rather than a teenage gang and their mutt. And point them towards old Mr Jenkins who runs the amusement park, because it was probably him.
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