Netflix's Orange Is the New Black is in many ways a fish out of water story, following Piper Chapman's experience as an inmate in Litchfield Penitentiary. From her arrival behind bars in episode one, Piper clearly considers herself 'not the sort that belongs behind bars', and has a steep learning curve to confront if she wants to survive.
But Piper isn't the only one learning about life in the slammer. Ahead of Orange Is the New Black season three's debut on Netflix, here are the things we learned from the show about surviving in prison from seasons one and two, available to watch exclusively on Netflix right now (Warning: Contains spoilers):
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1. Don't diss the food
Prison is a small world, and you never know who your words might offend. Piper learns this very valuable lesson early when she complains about the food in front of Red, the unchallenged queen of the kitchen.
Piper goes hungry until she works out how to atone for her mistake, and learns a valuable lesson about dissing her dinner. In fact, it's probably best just to avoid saying anything that could even possibly offend your new neighbours full stop.
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2. Find yourself a clique
"It's tribal, not racist," Morello tells a shocked Piper on her first day in Litchfield. We might not choose to put it quite so indelicately, but it's a sure fact that you're going to need some people to watch your back.
People come together over all sorts of reasons, like the elderly 'Golden Girls'. The sooner you find yourself a posse, the safer you'll be. (At least until Vee gets them to turn on you. Eek!)
3. Don't fall in love with the guards
If you find yourself getting hot for a guard, your best bet is to take a cold shower. If you really care about them, you don't want to risk getting them in a whole lot of trouble.
Just ask Daya about her relationship with John Bennett, and the stress of trying to cover up her pregnancy when she winds up pregnant, let alone the identity of the father. And if you're genius enough to hide an entire pregnancy from your guards, you probably wouldn't have ended up in prison in the first place.
4. Let your admirers down gently
In a crowded and claustrophobic environment like prison, sexual tension is bound to run high, and it probably won't be long before one of your fellow inmates shows an interest.
They might not be the person for you - or maybe 'become a prison wife' isn't a bullet point on your five-year plan - but for your own sake, let them down gently. We've already learned one lesson about offending people, and when it comes to matters of the heart (or libido), tensions run even higher. You wouldn't want a jilted lover making a mess of your cell floor, right?
5. Keep connected to the outside world
Influence is power, and in a closed system there's a lot to be gained with access to contraband from the outside world. And we're not just talking illegal drugs - your fellow prisoners will do a lot for medicine, cosmetics and fancy food.
Red has this stitched up tightly with her smuggling pipeline, but there are other, more subtle forms of influence if you wanted - for instance - to leave a flaming warning on your rival's doorstep.
6. Look out for number one
Piper is convinced by her on-off lover Alex to lie in court. But when Alex changes her story, Piper is left with an extended sentence for her troubles. She should have seen that coming a mile off, right?
In the slammer, it's best never to put yourself out there for anyone you can't trust completely. Your needs come first.
7. People are more complicated than you think
When Piper arrives at Litchfield, she clearly feels that she has fallen in among a group of women who are very different from her. But if there is any lesson to be learned from Orange is the New Black, it's that people aren't ever as different from us as we think.
Orange Is the New Black season three will arrive on Netflix on June 12. Watch seasons one and two on Netflix right now.
