By We've had the working week to recover from the shock of losing Bupsi, but it's Saturday once again and time for another X Factor live show.
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This week's theme is 'Reinvention' which we fear may be just a fancier term for 'johnlewisification of all our favourite pop songs' but it will be interesting to see how it all pans out. If you fancy a sneak peek to speculate on some of the massacres we're likely to see this evening, the full song list is here.
Join us from 8pm and we'll be bringing you all the action as it happens... just refresh for updates!
22:04 And that's it! Thank you for joining us this evening. It's been loads of fun (well, loads of fun when Reggie n Bollie were on). We'll have all the X Factor coverage you need tomorrow - and we'll be back next Saturday to review the next show! Good night everyone!
22:00 So all of the contestants are done and the vote lines are open! We are obviously treated to an extremely lengthy recap, and as always we are going to use the time productively to rank all of the acts:
AMAZING
Louisa
Reggie n Bollie
Seann Miley Moore
GOOD, BUT NOT LIKE, AMAZING
4th Impact
Lauren Murray
Che Chesterman
MEH
Monica
Max
WORRYINGLY FORGETTABLE
Mason Noise
Kiera Weathers
SO BIZARRE WILL FOREVER GO DOWN IN X FACTOR HISTORY
Anton
And in terms of who we think is at risk? Despite the fact Anton's performance was so, so clearly the worst (sorry, Anton) we aren't so sure he's at risk. The performance was SO bad we think the Anton fans of the voting public will worry for him and the Panic Votes will keep him in. We hate to say it, but we seriously doubt Kiera will make it through tomorrow - and if it's a double elimination, we think that Mason and Max could also be in danger.
21:53 Now its Lauren Murray! She's singing 'Hold Back The River', one of the dullest songs of modern times, and we do wonder how exactly this is going to be 'reinvented'. We're hoping for a club remix.
It's not a club remix, just a piano version. Already one of the most advert-friendly songs we knew has been even more johnlewisificated than it already was. To start with Lauren's vocals are quite thin and she's quite noticeably nervous, but she really picks up halfway through and her vocals are very strong. We mean, it's obviously GOOD. But it's another "just stand there and sing" affair.
Cheryl enjoys it and loved "the light and shade" of the performance. What does that even mean?! Nick says "dentist" in a fairly offensive Essex accent, and says it looked like a winning performance. Simon also loved it and feels that people like Lauren are needed in the competition. Caroline lets us all know that Lauren's sister is covering her shifts at the dentist. Hasn't Lauren handed in her notice?! A little pessimistic, if you ask us?!
21:41 Next we have Reggie n Bollie. They're going to sing 'What Makes You Beautiful'. There's a lovely shot of Reggie n Bollie's kids turning up at the house, including a two month old baby(!).
Reggie n Bollie sing 'What Makes You Beautiful' over the backing track of 'Cheerleader' and we have to say, we kind of love it. We had kind of written Reggie n Bollie off as a joke act a few weeks ago, but we realise now that was unfair. There has never been an act quite like them on X Factor before and they ARE current and there IS a place for them in the charts today. We don't think we have ever sat through one of their performances without feeling super smiley and energetic afterwards. Well done Reggie n Bollie.
Liam Payne is in the audience(!) and he appears to have enjoyed the performance. Simon describes it as one of his favourite performances of the night. The judges comments are all positive. IMAGINE how much fun it would be seeing these guys live. We loved it!
21:40 Oh Anton :(
21:29 We now have Max Stone. You may or may not remember that Max did a REGGAE VERSION of 'Someone Like You' last week. We could hardly believe it. Max is doing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What a Wonderful World' tonight, which was played at his auntie's funeral. He's a little worried about making it through the song as it's so emotional for him. Max, the least emotional person on Earth, goes to see Anton, the most emotional person on Earth, to discuss showing his emotion through song. Anton advises Max to just open up.
Despite the fact that Max has brought a ukelele on stage (!) the performance is much better than his performance last week. He seems to have really taken on board Anton's advice and we feel as though we're connecting to his performance. Especially toward the end his vocals are very strong.
Nick thinks that Max is "cooler" than the song. (Really? He hates fun, Nick, remember?). Rita agrees. Cheryl sticks up for Max, saying it's Reinvention Week and he is supposed to reinvent himself. We really don't seem to be clear tonight on whether Reinvention Week is supposed to be a reinvented song or a reinvented artist. Well, we're going to have to disagree with the judges yet again, as we thought that Max was heaps better than usual.
21:22 Rita introduces Monica, appearing to forget her name halfway through the sentence. Take a minute and think about how much these people are being paid to not know the names of their coworkers. Just think about it. Monica's going to be singing 'Crazy in Love' this evening (we assume Beyoncé's 50 Shades Of Grey version) and is apparently more nervous about the dress that she's wearing than the song itself.
Well, Monica's dress is completely ON POINT and she looks AMAZING. The song starts off a little flat but it picks up half way through. It doesn't quite have the same drama as the 50 Shades version (which we like to listen to a lot whilst walking up escalators on the tube) but we did enjoy it. We aren't wowed, though.
Cheryl describes it as the "XX factor" and an audience member shouts out "HOT!" Incredible. Cheryl says the performance was good, but she felt nervous. Simon says that he hated the performance and that everything he loved about Monica was gone and that she had been turned into something she's not. Nick can see Simon's point - he loves Monica for being "real, gritty and British". He says the performance wasn't bad, but it wasn't Monica and was more of a impersonation.
We can see where Simon is coming from - Monica did look a little uncomfortable, but don't all of the best popstars know how to reinvent themselves?
21:21 Nick tells Olly that Simon told him during the break that he'd done really well mentoring this week with the air of a five-year-old coming home and telling his mum that he got every answer right on the spelling test.
21:09 It's now time for Seann Miley Moore. Seann REALLY floored us last week with 'Life on Mars?' so we're quite interested to see how he delivers this week. In the VT he battles between deciding on 'Downtown' or 'California Dreamin' (both incredible songs).
He decides to sing 'California Dreamin'. It's as theatrical as we've come to expect and Seann, dressed as a geisha (oh, Seann) floats around the stage amidst flying cherry blossom. His vocals can't be faulted and we particularly enjoy the way the arrangement KICKS OFF half way through. We love it when a song kicks off. He just looks like a star, it's great. Seann and/or Louisa to win.
Rita and Cheryl give great feedback, but Simon describes the song choice as "lazy", and states that Seann needs to be a popstar rather than someone who is performing in a talent competition. We have to disagree with Simon. There is no artist like Seann out there right now, and he is already, to quote the departed Louis Walsh "a ready made popstar."
20:57 She wasn't even born when this song hit the airwaves. It's Louisa Johnson! She's doing 'Billie Jean'. We get that Louisa is "only seventeen" (we wonder how many times that will be mentioned in the next fifteen minutes) but surely it's not that impressive to not have been born when 'Billie Jean' came out? (We hate to brag, but we weren't born when 'Billie Jean' came out either). And Che just did 'You Can't Hurry Love' - we're reviewing LIVE so this is merely an estimate, but surely out of everyone involved in the X Factor only Simon was born when that came out? Anyway.
We are VERY impressed with Louisa's performance. There's a CHAIR-BASED DANCE ROUTINE. She's doing Billie Jean, and she's WEARING JEANS. (Like when Kiera wore a mac for 'Return of the Mack'. We really respect the X Factor's stylist). She sounds absolutely great, she has amazing stage presence, and she just looks like a popstar. We predict that Louisa is going to do very well in this series of the X Factor, but as it stands we think she should win it. She just has it. She has the X Factor. SHE HAS IT.
The performance goes down very well with the judges. Simon describes it as "ridiculously good". The feedback is outstanding and we're happy for Louisa as she deserves it.
20:46 Now we have Che Chesterman, singing 'You Can't Hurry Love'. Is it going to be the Phil Collins version? Oh God, it's going to be the Phil Collins version, isn't it. Che delivers the news that he has a 'throat infection' with the gravitas of King George VI's first wartime radio broadcast.
Che's version of "You Can't Hurry Love" has even less joy than the Phil Collins version and has been johnlewisificated to the moon and the back (the moon? Get it? We were quite proud of that one.) You can't tell at all that Che's got a throat infection - his vocals are, as always, completely on point. However, we were really pleasantly surprised last week by Che's interesting performance, but this week, it's back to what we always expected of him - that he'd stand there, and sing. He sings really, really, well, but all he does is STAND there.
Rita tells Che that she is "relieved he exists". Rita loved the performance, and describes it as "stunning". Cheryl describes Che's vocal as "current". Really?!?! Simon is pleased Che is getting more handsome. Alright then.
20:40 Next up we have Kiera, who was in the bottom 3 last week. But this week she's back, and she's GOT A PERSONALITY. This is emphasised many times throughout her VT. Kiera's doing 'Return of the Mack' this week, and she's so keen to show that she has a personality during her performance we're wondering if she's going to break mid-chorus and do a stand up comedy routine and a bit of juggling.
Kiera looks great, and her ponytail is on point. She's wearing a MAC. Return of the MAC, get it? but the performance is underwhelming. The vocals at points fall a little flat, but she does do multiple dance breaks, which is much more than most of the rest of the contestants will bother with tonight, so we are impressed. The performance does feel a little saturated with PERSONALITY; she constantly has a giant smile on her face and at one point says "HELLO LONDON!" We get it Kiera, you have a personality.
Cheryl enjoyed the performance. Simon appreciates that Kiera has made an effort and taken the feedback on board, but isn't sure that it's enough to get her through. Nick is pleased that she's brought the "fun".
20:39 Caroline notes that "there has never been as much talent on this stage as there has tonight." (This is very much not true.) Olly replies "apart from 2009, of course". (We disagree. 2010.)
20:27 Next up we have Anton. We're reminded about how Anton forgot the words to 'All About That Bass' during Boot Camp. We can't help but wonder why he has been given it to sing again. We're treated to the visual feast of Anton rehearsing his dance routine in double denim which is probably worth a rewatch for again.
The performance is genuinely one of the most bizarre X Factor performances we have ever seen and we have been watching the X Factor every week since we were fourteen years old. Anton opens the performance sat on a giant golden throne holding an old-fashioned microphone suspended from the ceiling. The performance segues into 'Bang Bang' and Anton does his choreography with the kind of finesse that makes Wagner look like Beyoncé. It's, for want of a better phrase, a hot mess. We fear that Anton might be flailing for his X Factor life having been thrown under the bus, a little, here.
It's not popular with the judges. Nick describes the performance as "like watching a bad musical". Rita describes the performance as Simon's fault, not Anton's. Cheryl comments that Anton was definitely 'reinvented', but perhaps not for the better. Simon sticks up for Anton, describing him as having 'guts' and a 'sense of humour'.
20:23 JOHN LEWIS ADVERT KLAXON! We actually love this advert. Isn't it a shame when people feel like they have to be "dry" and "witty" and "cutting" about just a nice advert that makes us feel emotional and reminds us of a very real social issue? (We SOBBED when we saw this yesterday, so yes, we're a bit of a sap.) But here's our controversial opinion: it's okay to like the thing that everyone else likes. It's okay to enjoy John Lewis adverts or the X Factor unironically. It really is.
20:16: Next up we have Nick's "Birmingham Bad Boy" (nickname NOT our own) Mason Noise. He's going to be singing 'Teardrops'. Hilariously, as if they hadn't previously made it clear enough that Mason is Very Sorry for his previous actions, Justin Bieber's 'Sorry' is played during a part of the VT. WE GET IT, X Factor. Apparently, the performance is going to get Mason some more female fans. We'll be the judges of that.
Mason is wearing an unbuttoned shirt and standing on a plinth. He sings a bit - in tune, but nothing spectacular - then has a brief dance break on his plinth. He then jumps off the plinth, and ends the performance with that kind of hideous wink that you've definitely at some point seen from a lecherous stranger on a night out. We shuddered involuntarily. Overall though, the performance was pretty good, but not like, amazing.
Rita describes the performance as underwhelming. Cheryl thinks that it was one of Mason's best vocal performances. Simon agrees with Cheryl and feels that tonight Mason was confident and likes the fact Mason is now dressing like Simon (we wonder how long it took Simon to think of that joke?).
20:08: First up is 4th Impact! Cheryl introduces them each by name with the air of someone who's spent two hours rote learning from flashcards. After being sent on a tour of London 4th Impact decided to sing 'Sound Of the Underground' mashed up with 'Boom Clap'.
4th Impact perform on a set made to look like a tube train. We hate to say this as we love 4th Impact but - for us, the vocals are a little off. It then turns into 'Clapping Song', when we were told 'Boom Clap'! We can't help but feel a little disappointed. The performance picks up towards the end and the chorus is a lot stronger than the verses. The girls' choreography isn't as on point as it usually is, but it's still brilliant by X Factor standards.
Simon is taught 4th Impact's names by Cheryl right in front of their faces and struggles to remember them when parroting back. Personally, given the fact he has been working with them for months, we feel making a public show of not knowing their names is incredibly rude, but we suppose no one cares what we think.
The judges all seemed to enjoy the performance, although Simon accuses Cheryl of being narcissistic for choosing her own song. Cheryl protests that the girls chose the song themselves, but all we think is that if we recorded 'Sound of the Underground' we would, too, be reminding the universe at every chance we get.
20:05 Caroline and Olly emerge from different sides of the stage, and we assume this will be the only time they're not joined at the hip for the entire episode. Nick and Rita walk out holding hands, which is a nice touch. We wonder how many pep talks Rita gives Nick before each episode. Olly describes Simon as "a man who knows all about reinvention", and we have to wonder what he's alluding to.
20:01 So it's TIME! To FACE! the MUSIC! We're reminded that last week (aka I Might Have Never Heard This Song Before but My Mentor Told Me It's Me Week), we lost Bupsi and Alien Uncovered. Ah, Bupsi. We hardly knew ye. This week is Reinvention Week, and X Factor's examples of reinvented songs are 'Run' by Leona Lewis, 'Your Song' by Ellie Goulding, and 'Hung Up' by Madonna. 'Hung Up' is not a cover! It is however, the greatest song of 2005 and arguably the entire previous decade, so we'll let X Factor off.
19:38 - Good evening everyone, and welcome to this week's X Factor blog! The blog is going to be a little bit of a different format this week, but if you refresh the page during every ad break you will be able to read all of our sparkling and relevant opinions. We hope everyone is excited for the Louis Walsh "You Made It Your Own" Memorial Week - no, sorry, Reinvention Week. We're particularly curious to see Anton tackle 'All About That Bass'. What a song choice.
