Eurovision 2014: As it happened

Turn off that ABBA CD, dig out your cheapest bottle of booze and prepare yourselves for some bearded drag queens, saucy Polish ladies and the most barking mad stage designs that Europe has to offer.

Eurovision, the nuttiest night of television every year, is back and this year promises to be an absolute corker.

Eurovision is no fun on your own, so we'll be here all evening live-blogging the best, the worst and the weirdest acts that those crazy Europeans have to offer.

23:30So, it's Austria 2015. Bring. It. On. We're off to tuck into a Curly Wurly cake. We hope you enjoyed the evening. See you next year.

23:29"WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE!" A lovely end to another crazy show from Eurovision as Conchita dedicates her award to everyone who wants peact. It all gets a bit political, but in a nice way. It's truly heartwarming stuff.

23:28But it's not about Molly tonight. It's all about Conchita. An amazing moment and a touching one. She blew everyone away and won Europe's hearts with voice, style and story. It's a hugely popular win in the hall.

23:27Molly only has 40 points, which isn't shameful, but she appears to have got lost among the more colourful entrants. She finishes with 17th spot and a cake. It's better than Bonnie and Englebert, I guess.

23:25CONGRATULATIONS AUSTRIA. CONCHITA IS THE WINNER - HURRAH!

23:22Molly got 1 point from Belgium. Thanks for nothing Belgium. Keep making those lovely chocolates though.

23:20Don't mess with a chick with a beard. There's only a handful of countries left to vote and it looks like it's Conchita's year.

23:16There is a man from Finland rapping. I think I may have had too much sherry.

Kevin and Perry.... Go Large in Finland #EurovisionSongContest2014

— Ryan Love (@RyanJL) May 10, 2014

Helsinki's Vanilla Ice. #eurovision

— Justin Lewis (@Mumbler3) May 10, 2014
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That rap embarrassed me. And I'm sitting here alone. #eurovision

— Colin Robertson (@Cod_Rob) May 10, 2014

23:16We can always rely on the Irish. Good old Ireland. 8 points from Ireland for Molly. Hurrah.

23:15Moldova may have thrown a spanner in their works. Their big points go to Russia and Romania. Quelle surprise.

23:14And then as soon as I say that, the Dutch get two douze points in a row. What will Moldova throw into the mix?

23:13Austria have a healthy lead now. It's going to take a big turnaround for anyone to catch them. The Dutch are their closest rivals, but it may be too late for them.

23:09At the top of the board it's getting tasty. Armenia, the Dutch and Conchita from Austria are battling it out. I'm shocked that Sweden and Hungary have dropped down the rankings, but there's still time for a fight back.

23:07It's got to that point in the evening where's there nothing left to do, but mock the presenters from around Europe who really over-egg their part.

will.you.aren't #eurovision pic.twitter.com/p2KZ9PHoZ6

— Toby Earle (@TobyonTV) May 10, 2014

23:05It's one of those evenings where it barely seems worthwhile taking Eurovision seriously for the United Kingdom. We've got a handful of votes for our best entrant in years. We may as well have wheeled out Englebert again.

23:03At least Molly has got the cake to take home with her. That's something. Ahem.

22:5912 points from Scott Mills and the UK makes Austria the favourites now and gives then some breathing room at the top of the board. The only thing that's certain now is that Molly isn't going to win. What a shame. Politics innit.

22:58Points are being spread all over the board now. Conchita has soared to the top with Austria. Sweden are steady. Hungary are slipping. Armenia are creeping up on the outside. It could go anyway at the moment.

22:56Hungary or Sweden will probably win, but Austria are racing up the board. Conchita Wurst is definitely winning the room in Copenhagen. For every boo that Russia get, Conchita is getting an even bigger cheer.

22:53It's starting to look like a head-to-head between the drum and bass of Hungary and the classic ballad of Sweden.

22:52Montenegro give 10 points to Hungary and the 'Running, Running, Running' drum and bass number is now top of the leaderboard. I told you earlier tonight, I fancied it's chances.

22:507 more points for Molly. Hurrah. We're on a roll.

22:50Hungary, Sweden and Netherlands are currently topping the voting. I suspect one of those three will be the winner. I know it's early doors, but they were really strong and unique performers.

22:49THANK YOU SAN MARINO! Five points from San Marino for Molly. Let's all breathe.

22:48Things are getting a bit ugly in Copenhagen as 10 more points go to Russia. You have to feel a little bit bad for the twin girls who are getting booed. I don't think they're in charge of foreign policy.

22:46Oh dear. Nil points from Azerbaijan. And they give 12 points to Russia to rub salt in the wound. A lots of boos ring around the hall as that result is read out.

22:45The voting is underway. Azerbaijan are first up. Bring on the points for Molly!

22:44I'm too distracted by the idea of a Curly Wurly cake to focus on the voting. Dammit.

22:37Lucky Molly is getting some extra promotion with the Danish presenters who are having an intensely awkward chat with her in the Green Room backstage. The female presenter is creeping her out by revealing that she knows weird facts about her and brings out Molly's favourite cake - a Curly Wurly cake from Borough market. Molly does her best to be very British and polite, but she looks pretty freaked out.

Molly's facial expression during that cake interview. pic.twitter.com/ERIXxCwOri

— BuzzFeed UK (@BuzzFeedUK) May 10, 2014

22:29These 'skits' from the Danes are a perfect chance to have a toilet break and crack into that third or fourth bottle of something bubbly. Make sure you're ready for the voting though. That's when the real Eurovision fun begins. In the meantime, enjoy this Polish vine that is going down well on Twitter.

View full post on Iframe

22:18That was just odd. Really odd. Even for Eurovision.

22:16The break while you vote in Eurovision is always seriously weird, but I expected better from the Danes. Some seriously odd looking people singing on white ladders. Followed by the passive aggressive hosts singing a 'comedy' song about the number 12. It's like the bit at the end of the year where the teachers perform at the kids talent show.

Excited for 'People Up Ladders' week on #xfactor. #eurovision

— Toby Earle (@TobyonTV) May 10, 2014

The guy up the ladder is taking a well earned break from being a corpse. How do we vote for this? #eurovision

— Digital Spy (@digitalspy) May 10, 2014

Karl Lagerfeld is up a ladder!! This is the best bit of the night!!! #Eurovision

— Phillip Schofield (@Schofe) May 10, 2014

22:15Thanks for all your amazing tweets tonight. Keep them coming in and let us know who you want to win. Tweet them to me at @alexanderfletch.

The Poland number gets you straight through to Babestation. #eurovision

— Jonathan Edwards (@Jontofski) May 10, 2014

Bring Back Jessica Garlick. #Eurovision

— Morgan Jeffery (@morganjeffery) May 10, 2014

Where is that cheesecake? Still searching for it #eurovision

— Digital Spy (@digitalspy) May 10, 2014

The human hamster from #Ukraine is still running on the wheel backstage. The moment he stops = blackout. #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/sSBuOLWrJX

— BBC One (@BBCOne) May 10, 2014

22:08What was all that about? I'm not really sure. That was possibly odder than a bearded drag queen, Polish boobs and trampolining Greeks. It seemed to basically be Eurovision's way of getting their own back at the UK for taking the piss out of Eurovision. Very odd.

22:06If they'd done that to Wogan, he'd probably have glassed them with his empty whiskey bottle.

22:05Graham Norton just got attacked in his commentary booth by a confetti gun and a man from Borgen making passive aggressive jokes. Things just got really weird.

22:02Do we stand a chance? Is it our year? Was it worth entering a proper singer and a decent song? Fingers crossed!

When Molly sings "power to the people", all I hear is "hero in a half shell (turtle power)" #bbceurovision

— Heidi Stephens (@heidistephens) May 10, 2014

Florence and the Meh-chine. #Eurovision

— Morgan Jeffery (@morganjeffery) May 10, 2014

This is better than I expected. Go Molly!

— TomThorogood (@TomThorogood) May 10, 2014

21:56Molly O'Clock!

21:56This is the first year that San Marino have made the final. And while that's lovely and we always like an underdog, they really are making up the numbers tonight. Worth having them there for the smoke machine and old man playing piano though. Two ticks on our Eurovision bingo sheet.

21:52It's a lovely performance from the Dutch and if Molly isn't going to win, I'd like them to take home the Danish bacon. Amsterdam in 2015 anyone? Sounds good to me.

21:52The Dutch are the dark horses this year with a unique entry that is being billed as the White Stripes meets 'Every Breath You Take'. Or Dolly Parton meets Johnny Cash. Depending on your reference points.

Cracking song that. Too good for this caper. #eurovision

— Colin Robertson (@Cod_Rob) May 10, 2014

For what it's worth, this is my favourite #netherlands #eurovision

— Sophie Ellis-Bextor (@SophieEB) May 10, 2014

The Netherlands: June and Johnny Cash styling, the Police's bass line. It's weird. #Eurovision

— Corinne Purtill (@corinnepurtill) May 10, 2014

21:49Minus marks for Denmark for white socks and dance moves that were outlawed in 1988. I suspect it won't be a return to Copenhagen in 2015. Sad news for Graham Norton, who probably doesn't fancy an May holiday to Armenia.

21:47In fact, we've figured out where we know Mr Denmark is from. It's Bruno Mars crossed with Pete Andre.

21:46Sadly, the track is less Bruno Mars, more wet Backstreet Boys B-side. In fact that's a bit harsh on the Backstreet Boys. It's more O-Town.

21:46The home nation Denmark are up next with their own answer to Bruno Mars. No really, he's a proper ringer.

21:44Will Malta and Sons take home the win? Graham Norton says he's a fan and that it's gone down well in the room. Stranger things have happened.

21:43Woah-a-woah-this-song-sounds-familiar.

21:42Did we say the Swiss had a Mumford and Sons vibe? We take that back. It's Malta who are really bringing the banjo jingle, jangle vibe this year. Woah-a-woah-woah.

21:39It's a shame about the contemporary backing dancers, but you can't have everything.

21:39If I had to place a bet on someone that wasn't one of the favourites, I'd wager a few quid of Hungary. They've brought some drum and bass tune-age to the Eurovision party and that seems to very in fashion this year.

21:37If it wasn't for his whistling, we'd have a bit of a man crush on this Swiss bloke. The tune's pretty catchy as well. When he keeps his fiddle away from it. It's basically Mumford & Sons does Eurovision.

21:34The Swiss are next up and cover your pets ears. This song is all fiddle and whistling.

21:34A belting performance from Ruth Lorenzo. Although I maintain she'd have won the whole thing with her Purple Rain 'Save Me Song'.

Anyway, nice to see Ruth Lorenzo from [PROGRAMME NAME REDACTED]. #Eurovision #Spain pic.twitter.com/YS5LjjxMxs

— BBC One (@BBCOne) May 10, 2014

21:33Having said that...Wagner at Eurovision. Why hasn't that happened yet?

21:32Let's just hope this doesn't start a tradition. Rikki Loney and his hat representing the UK in 2015?

Ruth Lorenzo for Spain. Up next, Journey South for Portugal. #Eurovision

— The Sunday People (@thesundaypeople) May 10, 2014

21:31Ruth's playing a strong hand. A low cut top. Notes bigger than Simon Cowell's bank balance. Pouring fake rain and wet look hair.

21:30RUTH LORENZO KLAXON.

21:28Yes, Finland had a great tune and they performed it really well. But Poland has the ladies with the boobies. It's a tough choice. A real tough choice.

Lots of lads/football fans on my timeline seem to suddenly love #eurovision and are voting for Poland. I wonder why? pic.twitter.com/7GU7SDR3Wh

— Mark Jefferies (@mirrorjeffers) May 10, 2014

21:27Finland are trying to bring a bit of edgy cool to the competition. Edgy cool if it was 2001. They've got an indie-rock anthem, some dashing chaps with lovely blonder hair and it's basically Killers-lite. It could do well, although rock songs don't have a great record in Eurovision.

21:21Slovenia have brought a flute. Bugger off Slovenia.

21:20Oh, a tune. Well, maybe next year Italy. Maybe, next year.

21:20Italy follow the Russians and they've increaded the tempo by roughly 476%. They have a saucy minx singer dressed as a glittery Julius Cesar and a healthy slab of key-tars. What more could you want.

21:16Russia are trying to make us forget that they're invading countries and discriminating against gay people by feeding us a pair of twin sisters on a see-saw with a monster power ballad. If that was your plan Russia... it's working.

Pat Sharp needs to round this pair up and put them back in the Fun House. #Eurovision RT: "@bbceurovision: #Russia pic.twitter.com/X90Y1BqIMW"

— BBC One (@BBCOne) May 10, 2014

Russian Samanda #EurovisionSongContest2014

— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) May 10, 2014

21:13Get your politics hat on. It's time for Russia. Boo! Hiss! Etc.

21:12Zut Alors! It's a French Jedward, dipped in paint and thrown in a hamster wheel with LMFAO. Yes, that's the best description for the French act. And it's not an exaggeration.

Borat, Cardinal Richelieu, Tom Selleck, Hercule Poirot - these guys from #France did you proud! #Eurovision #tache pic.twitter.com/7arGKSaTpP

— BBC One (@BBCOne) May 10, 2014

21:10Hello France!

21:09What did you think to Sweden? Do you think it lives up to the hype? Twitter doesn't seem so sure.

#Sweden It's a bit like Wrecking Ball. If Miley had a wash and put on a nice dress, like your mum thinks she should.

— BBC Eurovision (@bbceurovision) May 10, 2014

Weather girl rock #eurovision

— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) May 10, 2014

Earlier today, I organised a karaoke stag night. It'll be miles better than this.

— Andy Dawson (@profanityswan) May 10, 2014

21:07If we're being patriotic, we should really be keeping our fingers crossed for some duff notes here. The Swede's are probably Molly's biggest competition.

21:07Sweden are the next act up - the hot favourites for the titles. It's a stereotypical stirring Eurovision ballad and it's easy to see why it's tipped for the top spot. There's a whiff of Miley's 'Wrecking Ball' about it. Thankfully, minus the suggestive sledgehammer licking and semi-nudity.

21:05Do you know what Germany were missing with that forgettable number? A giant hamster wheel. Every act should have a giant hamster wheel. Next year, it should be compulsory.

20:59How do you follow the bearded lady? Germany have that tricky task and they've brought a double bass, a Pink-lookalike singer and an accordion along.

20:58My only problem with Conchita is that I can't get X Factor's Rylan out of my head when she sings. Which is never a pleasant reminder.

Right now @Rylan & @NicoleScherzy must be feeling justifiably proud for their FABULOUS daughter Conchita! #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/4FOU17ywRL

— Gerry Stergiopoulos (@GerryGreek) May 10, 2014

20:56The next act up is the most talked about contestant of 2014. It's Shirley Bassey meets Russell Brand, it's Austria's Conchita Wurst. A drag act who has caused quite a stir in certain less open-minded parts of Europe. That's a shame because the track is an absolute belter. A James Bond theme tune in waiting.

20:54If you were starting to flag, Greece should have perked you up a bit with that summer dancefloor smash. That should get a decent finish... it could even be a dark horse for victory.

20:53How do you follow Polish soft butter churning porn? Get some Greeks to sing an absolute banger on a trampoline of course.

20:50Insert your own Carry On jokes right here. "I'd give her a douze points" etc. Poland's act consists of two ladies singing about how they know "how to use it", while backing dancers churn butter and grate cheese with more cleavage than an Ann Summers shop window. It's pure Eurovision farce at its best.

The Daily Mail are DELIGHTED with this performance. I can feel some 'outrage' beginning #madmilkmaids

— sharon hanley (@sharonlhanley) May 10, 2014

Just going to churn some butter in private for a minute or two. #EurovisionSongContest2014

— Jamie East (@mrjamieeast) May 10, 2014

Is this a Polish porn show? #cleavage #EurovisionSongContest2014

— Beci Wood (@beciwood) May 10, 2014

Is that even allowed on TV??

— Jenny M (@jennyanne_m) May 10, 2014

20:47It's the moment your dad has been waiting for - meet the ladies of Poland and their milking jugs. Teenage boys, cross your legs.

20:46Cor blimey. You can have as many ballet dancers as you like Montenegro, but if you've got a ballad wetter than Somerset in February, there's no hiding it.

Brilliant, Titanic the musical on roller skates #EurovisionSongContest2014

— Tim Glanfield™ (@timglanfield) May 10, 2014

Wait up, it's Will Mellor. Euro-Jambo from Songyoaks #Eurovision

— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) May 10, 2014

20:44Speaking of lacking charisma. Hello Montenegro!

20:43It wasn't a stonking performance, but that is one of the favourites to win tonight. Armenia are desperate to win this year and have taken it very seriously, but that song sounded better on record than live. The bloke singing it, Aram MP3 (yes, that's what he likes to be called) didn't exactly bleed charisma either.

Ralf Little gone emo #Eurovision

— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) May 10, 2014

John Lewis winter sale intro. #eurovision #armenia

— Justin Lewis (@Mumbler3) May 10, 2014

20:40Next up... Armenia. And this chap is one of the favourites. It's a stirring ballad with a key change that will blow your pants off. Brace yourselves.

20:39That circular piano was so distracting I'm not actually sure whether that Romania song was any good or not. I'm guessing the fact I didn't notice means that it probably isn't a winner.

20:36Romania are bringing a circular piano to the table. It's a piano. But it's in a circle with a man trapped inside. It's beautiful, but how does he ever escape? It's a brilliant invention, but also a tragedy.

20:35Next up... Romania. Someone make sure Nigel Farage is at the bar for the next three minutes.

20:34I'm guessing Norway won't pick up many votes from the United Kingdom this evening.

Rylan in the back of a spoon #Eurovision

— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) May 10, 2014

*thump back down to earth*

— rachelrobertsREAL (@scouserachel) May 10, 2014

20:32Gosh, cheer up Norway. It might never happen.

20:31And after the fun and chipper Icelandic Teletubby chaps, here come Norway to spoil put a downer on everything. There's a man dressed in black singing a ballad. If there isn't a key change this could be a dreadfully dull three minutes.

20:29Oh, hello Iceland. It's a group of men with dodgy facial hair in ludicrous suits, performing what sounds like a forgotten b-side from Menswe@r in 1996. It's very catchy and it's the best performance of the night so far.

20:26Azerbaijzzzzzzzzzzzzan. Next!

20:25Graham Norton informs us that no act has ever won when second on. Poor old Belarus.

All we've gotten from this song is that we now REALLY WANT CHEESECAKE. pic.twitter.com/magM1AUlMj

— Digital Spy (@digitalspy) May 10, 2014

His cheesecake has got a soggy bottom #Eurovision #bakeoff

— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) May 10, 2014

20:23However, Ukraine are quickly topped by my favourite smooth mover from Belarus. Mr Robin Gel On A Bit Too Thicke. His song, 'Cheesecake', is our favourite ever song with the word cheesecake in it. Blurred Lines? More like Botched Lines.

20:22An incredible opening from the Ukraine. Their country may be in political and social disarray right now, but that won't stop a Michelle Keegan-lookalike singing a song called Tik-Tok while a man runs in a hamster wheel behind her.

#Ukraine #Eurovision No he can't hear you, he's wound down. pic.twitter.com/DHAWaGTFY2

— Gay Times Magazine (@GayTimesMag) May 10, 2014

20:10If you don't remember Ruth Lorenzo, she was on X Factor series 5. She did a mind-blowing 'Purple Rain' and Simon Cowell was obsessed with her knockers.

20:09Ruth Lorenzo Klaxon! HNK.

20:08This is new. All the acts are being introduced in performance order so we can get a quick sneak peak of what the acts look like. Belarus's Robin Thicke-lite is my early favourite.

20:06I'll be embedding the funniest tweets you send me (@alexanderfletch) so do join in the fun this evening. There are already plenty of folks enjoying the show and the booze hasn't even started flowing yet.

Less foreigners on #Eurovision tonight than #BGT has most years.

— Dan Owen (@danowen79) May 10, 2014

20:05We really, really wish we were at Bob Mortimer's house tonight. Can someone pop around with a Toblerone and a pretzel?

Eurospread #eurovision pic.twitter.com/2vAh86b6Qc

— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) May 10, 2014

20:03We're live in Denmark, Copenhagen this year. Our knowledge of Denmark doesn't stretch much further than Nordic Noir TV shows. If there isn't a grisly death, lots of rain and a fine selection of sweaters, TV has been lying to us.

20:01Good evening everyone. Are you ready for the annual booze and barminess that is Eurovison? Someone pass us the sherry, it's going to be a crazy old ride.

Eurovision 2014 - Conchita wins: As it happened

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