Shouty shouty shouty! I’m wondering if BB6 is sponsored by Otex Ear Drops! It’s noisy! Kemal shouts at Science, Science shouts at Kemal, Max shouts at Makosi. Science shouts at a dead chicken. If you’ve got no eardrums by the time BB6 is over, sue Endemol. Arggghhhhh! Even the flippin' gnomes must have earache!

First take on the housemates

Here’s my initial swing at your BB6 twits.

Kemal

Lordy, lordy. Have you seen that boy mince when he’s angry? Honestly, I’ve seen less mince in a chilli con carne. Keep him in that house anyway, he’s sheer entertainment, for good or bad reasons.

Anthony

What to Read Next

How did Andy Scott-Lee get into the house? Hasn’t he been in enough RTV shows already?

Craig

Will get the Tweenage Texters vote. Like an inoffensive teddy bear with nice t-shirts. So far. He's not really been a screaming bitch yet as he promised. Boo.

Derek

A vain Tory boy who recites home-cooked poetry to himself! Amazing! I never realised Boris Johnson and Chris Ewbank had had a lovechild!

Mary

I spent my early teenage years in the company of people like Mary, casting spells, sipping nettle tea, cheap cider and listening to the Sisters of Mercy while blessing crystals. Fortunately, I grew out of that phase at around 14. I bet Hairy-Fairy-stare-y-scary Mary puts a curse on me now, along will her zillions of little Diddy-Goths. Send her back to Hogwarts - quick!

Lesley

How did Sue from the film Rita, Sue and Bob, too get into the house? She’s like Karen from Corrie but with mammarus massivus. Could it be the titty tactician is familiar with DS:BB? She virtually admitted so last night, it's a good move to get the forum members on board. Cleverer than she looks - don't be fooled. She's got the tabloid deal on her mind, not the winnings.

Max

Has Kate Lawler had a sex change?

Makosi

Boney M have been on the phone, they want their singer back. Poor Makosi sobbed in the Diary Room that she deserved her suitcase more than ANY of the housemates. What a princess! Mind you, her tactic of wandering around in a tiny bikini CONSTANTLY declaring her virginity might win her votes from lusty lads but, sheesh I'm sick of the sight of her arse already. Keep an eye on this little lady, you don't have to like her but she may be essential for group dynamics. Er, not sure her alleged Mugabe connections will do her many favours, though.

Science

This year’s Victor but his banter with Kemal means he HAS to stay in the house. Aw, don’t you just want to cuddle him and give him a fish finger and salad cream sandwich? One thing though - SCIENCE - stop playing with yer bogies - ew!!!

Saskia and Sam

Nora Batty, I wish they’d introduce first night double evictions.

Roberto

Do Italians do it better? Well, as someone with an Italian Button, and as Roberto is a cute, Italian public sector worker with a dislike of stereotypical BB slutty behaviour, I should fall at his feet. But this Italian Stallion has not impressed me yet but he may win me round - especially with his late-night showers, fidding with his bum. Naughty. C'mon boy, press my Italian button!

Vanessa

One to watch. Depending on her behaviour, I think she might get the balance right and play it cool. She’s be smart, oh yay, yet plays the Big Brother game. It’s too early to say, but keep an eye on this one.

Emzi’s BB ASBO

Who do I not want to see any more of this week? Who should have a tag slapped on their ankles for crimes against Big Brother interestingness? Saskia and Sam. BB bores. Do they really need any more coverage? They will never win, unless the public have gone barking mad. Stop simpering in the upstairs snug, complaining about the rows - you're on Big Brother, you twonks, who know, that gameshow where everyone rows with everyone else?. Avanti, the pair of them.

Who’s your favourite housemate, then?

That silly, green, plastic dog in the garden, who I have named Barkus Markus, after Mr Bentley himself. Hopefully, he’ll win.

Overall impression?

Good mix Endemol, but given the atmosphere is already tense, do we really need another Fight Night? I’m watching with interest. But no fights and fucking, been there, done that. More interesting social interaction is the key. And I think Science and Kemal are, so far, providing us with that.

More soon.

emzi
etingay@digitalspy.co.uk