The men in Poldark are just the absolute worst... and by Lord, the show wants you to know it.
The penultimate episode of series 3 is less a Sunday night drama and more a beautifully shot d-bag rundown: a chance to chart who's the biggest tosser this side of Truro.
It's a listicle that's likely going to be hard for fans to agree on. Should it be lascivious bully Osborne (Christian Brassington) in the top spot, wily Warleggan (Jack Farthing), or power-mad, poor-hating, Lord Falmouth (James Wilby)?
And where should our 'hero' Ross (Aidan Turner) place? Because he certainly deserves a spot on the chart.
It comes to something when you start looking to young Geoffrey Charles (Jamie Marcus) for reassurance that the Y chromosome won't be the exclusive preserve of mansplaining politicians and perverts. (Although from what he says tonight, his future will be him eating cake by the fire and ordering Drake to make wheels. 'Not enough spokes, try again!' he'll yell through a fistful of sponge.)
There is no good news in this week's Poldark, and the show knows it, from the opening gloomy shot of the Cornish coast to the closing pan over a sea the colour of the headstone missing from Aunt Agatha's grave. The entire episode is doused in chilly grey tones, like an Insta filter in a tin mine. Remember when this show was all glistening abs in golden sunlight?
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Putting a big cross in the box of 'BLEAK FUTURE', we see there's only a choice between two evils in the Truro election. It's communicated effectively but without any subtlety by Morwenna's birthing screams being laid over the images of blokes casting their votes. George Warleggan defies the pollsters and beats Lord Falmouth in a result so surprising it registers 7.8 Dimblebys on the voter amazement scale.
But George can't enjoy the win, because Ross is there to remind him that Valentine isn't his child. Kids, eh? Nothing but trouble. Morwenna (Elisse Chappell) nearly dies giving birth to her son, John Conan Godolphin Osborne. 'Conan', presumably, because Osborne is an utter barbarian.
Back when Christopher Biggins played him in the '70s incarnation of Poldark, ol' Ozzie was one of the most hated characters on TV and likewise, Brassington ensures this new Osborne's the biggest villain you'll see on a Sunday night before the 10 o'clock news.
When told by Dwight not to flop on top of his wife like a randy manatee (Brassington ate 3,500 calories a day for the role, suddenly making Poldark a great ad for salad), Osborne is all too eager to move on to Morwenna's sister Rowella (Esme Coy).
It seems she's willing to throw herself on the flabby landmine to keep her sister from another three minutes of lurching. She's even willing to rip her bodice. Yes, Poldark has literally become a bodice-ripper. Are we going to have to hide next week's episode behind the scented candles and paracetamol in the beside table?
It's just one in a spectrum of many unhealthy relationships – Warleggan's paying too little attention to his wife, Osborne's paying too much attention to his. Where is the Goldilocks middle ground, with porridge that's just right and a bed where you won't be sexually assaulted?
It's not at Nampara, where Ross and Demelza (Eleanor Tomlinson) both know that they're being tempted away from one another, and both are close to acknowledging it. The moment you think Ross does admit it – in a heartfelt but utterly misplaced confession about kissing Elizabeth (Heida Reed) in the church – you quickly realise you've been cheated.
It's just a Poldark fantasy sequence. We're not mad on those: between that and Ross's dream sequence while rescuing Dwight, the show's experimental touches in series 3 have felt off-key in relation to the general beat of the drama.
Thoroughly on-key however is Tomlinson. Wisely she's once again given the opportunity to deliver a charming vocal performance, as Demelza sings at Lord Falmouth's party. Unfortunately it's a song dripping with meaning and directed at handsome Hugh Armitage (Josh Whitehouse).
Hugh's making clumsy but increasingly obvious overtures at her, and though his sight is failing, he's compensating for it by pointing his privates in Mrs Poldark's direction like they're a blind man's cane.
Demelza's not shy about admitting her attraction to him to Ross. To the audience, Ross seems remarkably chill about his wife admitting that she'd like to have one day to sleep with someone else, but then he's a man who would like to sleep with Elizabeth. Honestly, the men in this show...
There is one man who emerges unscathed from this hot mess: the lovely Doctor-Do-Right, Dwight (Luke Norris). Far from the testosterone calamity of elections or societal dick-swinging, he's just getting on with his life. He and Caroline are the Goldilocks couple of Poldark. Just right.
But from the incredibly dramatic trailer for next week's finale, it doesn't look like they'll get much of a look-in. Nor does it look like we're going to end series three with anyone smiling. With another series already commissioned, Poldark's going out with a bang... and a grimace.
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